So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
