i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
