Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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