He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
