He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
