i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
