I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
