yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
