My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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