I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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