I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
