a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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