if only i could text you this smell
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
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I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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