at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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