i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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