That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
