It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
