Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Green mimosas i think yes
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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