So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
