I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
