The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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