I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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