Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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