Where are you?
In a non slutty way
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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