Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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