Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
