For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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