6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
