So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
