Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
