Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's rum buckets o'clock
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
