A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
