his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
