Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
