I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
