and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
