She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
