They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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