woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
