I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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