Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You took a bar mat shot.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
