i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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