You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
