chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
