i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
