theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
