The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
