My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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