sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
