sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
