just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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