just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
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