Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Congratulations! We have a period
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
