My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
