I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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