i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
