Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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